I think I want to kill myself.
No really, I mean it. Everything was going great last week, and then it all fell through. I started to feel really poorly, which Alyssa didn’t pick up on, so we had this sort of fight/powwow in which I admitted all my worries about becoming exactly like her ex-girlfriend by leaning on her too heavily, but she reassured me that she wouldn’t let that happen and told me that she would start being more affectionate, which is kind of what I need right now, so hopefully that will help.
HOWEVER IN THE MEANTIME:
My mother has turned into a colossal micro-managing asshat, who has decided that she must have control of my entire life. It wasn’t bad enough that she basically told me that I wasn’t allowed to be gay after she forced me to tell her that I was, it wasn’t enough that I am basically isolated on weekends, forced to spend all my time with her and my “family.” It’s not enough for her to control how much I sleep and what I eat and how long I can use the damn internet, no now she has to own EVERYTHING. She checks my meter every time I take my blood sugar now, to make sure I’m doing it, checks my insulin doses, and if they aren’t up to par with her standards, she’s threatening to take my phone for three days per infraction.
And she says she doesn’t want to micro-manage. My mother’s entire life is all about controlling me. She’s a type A personality with extreme neurosis, and an incapability to you know, feel.
My mother makes me want to kill myself. She really does, I don’t want to live anymore being around her it’s like she’s consuming my entire positive aura.
I know I disappeared for almost a week now, I’m sorry about that. Not that any of you were paying attention, but you know how it is.
The last few days have been very up and down, but much better in the end. I had a really long talk with Emily today, and it kind of came out that I feel really inferior to her. Which I mean is true, I’m compared to her a lot, and it frankly really bothers me, because every time I’m held up to her, I pale in comparison. I’m just not as good as she is, and I cried a lot about that, but she told me a lot of good things about myself. And then I confessed the big one, about how it bothered me a lot that Alyssa was really in love with her for a long time, and how a lot of times I think that she could do a lot better job of taking care Alyssa than I ever could. Which she proceeded to convince me that just maybe…no one could do it better than I can. Maybe no one else can take care of Alyssa like me. Maybe I really am…good enough for my girlfriend.
That’s going to take a long time to sink in.
In other news, I got rid of all my blades again. Maybe it will last this time. Maybe this time I can win, and I can be better than the addiction. Which is what this is. It’s a dangerous addiction, and I don’t want to end up in the hospital, that would kill Alyssa, and it would kill Emily and Patrol, and a lot of people around me.
Maybe…maybe I’m valuable. Maybe I’m worthwhile. Is that possible? Could I be…worth it?
I cut and I literally do not remember doing it.